What the hell happened to Dana Carvey?

So, I guess it's pretty much an unstated fact that Dana Carvey's post-SNL career has been abysmal. "Master of Disguise" should not be the high point of anyone's career.

I've seen some Web ads for his new stand-up special and boy, does he look C-R-E-E-P-Y-! Dude has had some work done. Last I saw him he looked an appropriate 50ish. Now he looks like he'd be working as Joan Rivers' poolboy. Check it out:


Face lift? Check.
Eye Lift? Check.
Botox? Check.

I think he's even wearing a wig. It's terrible. I used to like this guy.

In the Carvey vs. Myers dual Carvey has been a did-not-finish. It takes real talent at sucking to make Mike Myers' stint as "The Love Guru" look like comic gold ... but Carvey seems to have done it. The preview for his stand-up looks desperate. And the name, "Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies?" Cringe worthy.

Agent: OK, Dana, now all we need is a title. What do you want to call your new stand-up special?

Carvey: (Adjusting his wig) Uh, let's see. Something about a monkey. A monkey line is always a sure laugh. Like, "When Mokeys Fly Out of My Butt!" That's good right?

Agent: No, Dana. Mike Myers already has the copyright on that line.

Carvey: OK then, let's mix it up. How about something that sounds like a fortune cookie. Like broken English sounding. People still laugh at foreigners, right? Maybe something mysterious, like, "Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies." And then I'll be dressed like a monkey. And I'll squat down and, like, take a poop and say the F-word a lot.

Someone needs to tell this guy it's OK to stop trying.

Project awesome

Some music while you read perhaps? Just hit play and come on back. (I love this song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSasf8GBfV4

One of my many delusions of grandeur is the desire to be a rock-star. Since I was a very small child I've loved music and desired to create it. I learned to play saxophone in junior high, then picked up the guitar just before high school. My skills never really developed. Check that off to a complete lack of natural talent and minimal at best effort to learn (after all it's impossible to fail if you never really try).

But recently I've had a strong desire to actually try and do it. Some friends of mine formed a cover band about two years ago. We managed to get together 4 or 5 times and learned 4 or 5 songs, but we all were mediocre at best and nothing was ever going to happen except maybe playing in front of a few friends every once in awhile. We never officially gave up, but haven't got together in months and months.

In the time since I've been going to lots of shows , and I know a few people who are actually doing it (writing and playing and performing), and I really admire their effort. Gets my daydreams really going.

So I decided to give it a go. And I don't realistically expect to ever actually be good, it takes more time than I have, and making an effort is a real effort for me. Yet I've come up with some decent starts to what may be songs, and I've gathered some decent equipment, including a bad-ass guitar and all of this stuff:



In that picture you can see my KAOSS pad. I can do this, and other, stuff with it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmBO6Zg6Kdg

I also plan to be a sort of one-man show (since my drummer is moving to Seattle, Baldwin). That's why I bought one of these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ciKgH5z1Dc&feature=related

It's fun to play with toys and those two things are seriously addictive.

Another major part of my planning stage is the redesign of my other inexpensive less cool guitars. The first one that I will complete is a cheap chinese Fender Squier Telecaster that I'm personally modifying to be exactly like the guitar Johnny Greenwood plays in Radiohead (my favorite band). The only step remaining is to solder the electronics, which I almost definitely will screw up (I've done a pretty sloppy job of everything else so far:





The other one is actually my very first guitar. The neck broke a long time ago, and I thought I'd take that opportunity to supe it up with some cool stuff. Obviously a long way to go on this one:



So keep an eye out for me playing some where sometime in the future. I'm aiming for next summer as a reasonable goal to be gig ready. I'll keep you posted...

P.S. Stay tuned for more delusions...

Thoughts on the Democratic Primary, Sexism and Racism

Note: The feelings expressed below may not reflect the thoughts of all Popanalia contributers. But where else was I supposed to post it?

The Democratic battle gets more twisted and bitter as John McCain putters about the country pandering to the Christian Right and delivering promises of continued warfare in his patronizing, grandfather-tells-a-bedtime-story cadence. And Hillary continues her slow but inevitable death, determined to bring the entire Democratic party down with her.

This morning I heard a Clinton supporter on NPR complain that no one tried to force Teddy Kennedy out of the race before the convention so why should Hillary stand down? What a spectacularly terrible example! Bitter in-party fighting has repeatedly dogged the Democratic party, a la Kennedy's bid to upset sitting President Carter during the 1980 primary. The only reason that isn't remembered as a worse political bungle is because immediately after losing the nomination to Carter, Kennedy gave a tremendous pro-Carter speech at the convention. Would Hillary do that for Barack? One would have to doubt her sincerity at this point. And anyway, Reagan creamed Carter in '80. I'd hate to see that old bag of dust McCain, the false maverick, get such a lucky break this year.

Barack Obama has officially been labeled 'potentially our first Black President.' His father was black and from Africa, his mother white and from Kansas. So, black + white = Black? Would it be different if his father were white and his mother black? Or does any addition of nonwhite ancestry nullify the whiteness? This smacks of "separate but equal" racism to me. In Plessy v. Ferguson, Plessy was 7/8ths white, but that still wasn't "white enough" and he was denied seating in the white railroad car. It is deeply disturbing to see this type of classification still happening openly in America, even if the segregation has been revoked from the laws.

When do we decide as a nation to move past racial classification? It's not even accurate! My wife, Dana, is half Mexican. When she fills out forms that ask for her race, many times her choices boil down to one of two: "Hispanic" or "Caucasian (non-Hispanic)." Does being half Mexican make her Hispanic? Her father was born here in the U.S., both his parents immigrated from Mexico, so she doesn't really feel Hispanic. Even if she identifies as white, though, she feels disqualified from choosing Caucasian because it specifically says "Non-Hispanic" You can see how frustrating these questions can be for mixed race individuals.

Hillary Clinton told the Washington Post yesterday that "It does seem as though the press at least is not as bothered by the incredible vitriol that has been engendered by the comments by people who are nothing but misogynists." There are die hard Hillary supporters now proclaiming that if she does not win the nomination they will openly campaign against Barack Obama. I fail to see how this would dispel any sexism that has been proliferated in the media. If anything it would add fuel to their fire by portraying feminists as short sighted and uncompromising.

If Hillary had a problem with how gender was being discussed she should have addressed it head on in the early stages of the race. Obama did this with his well-received 'Race Speech' titled "A More Perfect Union" and delivered on March 18, 2008. Obama's speech may not have changed the way voters refer to his race or how it affects the perception of his electability. It did set a line with the media. Hillary never set that line and she has to live with that.

Of course it is abhorrent that either one of them should have to take an aggressive stance on issues of equality. But America is full of thoughtful individuals willing to reexamine their previously held stereotypes (I hope). I'm sure there are many voters for both Democratic candidates who never would have considered voting for a (__insert racist/sexist term here__) prior to this election. The candidates should both be proud of even the slightest positive shift they may have instigated. To deem any vote for Barack Obama as an insult against all women is sick. This sort of psychological guilt trip is counterproductive to all work for equal rights. And for Clinton's supporters to back John McCain is playground politics of the lowest order.

Voters need to align their support with the general election candidate that has the best policies to help individuals of all genders, races, economic stations, religions, and every other counter intuitive all-inclusive label under the sun; regardless of the gender, race, economic station, religion or other label that may apply to that candidate. I can't believe there are people who'd mortgage the entire nation's well-being to get back at a few media pundits who made incendiary comments. Remember: Media pundits get paid to say stupid things. It's what they do. Everyone needs to look at the big picture and, as Bill Clinton said earlier this year, "chill out."

Weirdest shit ever...

So I went to the Rendezvous on Monday night for their weekly new music showcase. They do it every Monday night, which is going to be a regular thing for me cuz I like music and it's a good spot to meet people and feel out the local scene.

Last week was the first time I went, and it was what I expected. The high ceilings are a detriment to the sound quality, but these are just local bands. The first act I saw was a one-man band kind of thing with a guy (forget his name) playing guitar and drums. Sort of rockabillyish. Then they had a sort of punk band called MK Ultra Culken. They were once an instrumental punk band, but now they have a chick singer (pardon the mysoginist lingo, but they are a punk band, and they'd probably appreciate it). The singer was obviously new cuz she was singing off of cue cards for the entire set.

So week one: local bands playing in a local bar. Not outstanding music, with not outstanding sound, but pretty standard expectable stuff.

Which brings me to Monday night. I was expecting similar fare. The first two bands fit the mold; local, unassuming rock bands, that play nonthreatening tunes, that sound ok at best, worse in the poor acoustic surroundings.

But then there was a band from Philadelphia called Mose Giganticus (later research suggests that Mose Giganticus is the name of the lead singer [stage name I presume, the band just plays for him]). They appeared to be a three piece. The lead singer, drummer and guitar player. But then I noticed that the lead singer had a keytar:



He also had quite a shiny-bright collection of electronics on his rig. Lots of buttons. Turns out he also had a vocoder voice synth deal, and his keytar was programmed into a sampler of some sort. (
www.myspace.com/mosegiganticus) They played a kind of synthy pop-punk music and had a lot of energy. I liked it. I even stood up to watch which was unexpected.
Two other strange things though: they brought a camera man who took a lot of pictures with a weird flash in one hand camera in the other hand kind of deals, and a weird dude dressed like a cowboy who didn't appear to be more than a groupy until...

The band finished their set and started tearing down their equipment. The cowboy appeared to be helping out. I thought it was weird that they were piping a punky version of the theme song to the American Office tv series. Then the cowboy started the sampler and started 'singing.' Turns out he's a performer called 'The Emotron.' His act was quite bizarre. The songs were ridiculous, and all he did was sort of freak out on the stage area. As the 'performance' continued he stripped off his cowboy outfit revealing some sort of leotard. Oh, almost forgot, he was wearing safety glasses with one lens sort of fucked up. As the 'show' progressed he also stripped off his cowboy hat, then his hair piece revealing quite a large and perhaps bogus bald spot (hard to tell how old this guy is for sure and I wouldn't put it past him to fake it). He filled the blank spaces between songs with nonsensical rants, since it was cinco de maio most of them were about drunk Mexicans, oh and fucking, and sayin the word fuck. Further along he stripped down to his undies, then brought out some substance, sprayed it on his junk and set it on fire, then did the same to his head, and repeat. I highly recommend you check this shit out, its beyond words:

www.myspace.com/theemotron

www.youtube.com/user/TheEmotron

And if you thought that was the end of the night, nope. The closing act was a 'band' called The Cartridge Family. Can't find them online at all, it's possible that they've been banned from the internet. They've apparently been banned from most bars in Lansing. Not a surprise considering their style. I didn't count all of them, but I think there were 8-10 of them, only 4 of which were actually playing instruments (drums, bass, guitar, keys). The rest were just acting a fool. They ran around jumping on stuff, firing off confetti, tossing garbage around, wrapping people in tape, dancing on people, getting naked, breaking a large piniata (sp), spitting fire, etc... The overweight lead singer (he was wearing a cut off sleeveless shirt to accentuate his bear belly, and to go with his black and white striped leotard) jumped onto and destroyed a table about 5 seconds into their first song. I thought the bouncers were going to physically throw them out before they could even get started.

Long story short, best $5 cover I ever paid for anything ever. Next week will likely be lame as hell.

Baconator Vs. Club Chalupa ::: FIGHT!

What on this Earth is more heavily marketed than food? Nothing. And while the UN prattles on about a worldwide food crisis, with millions of people worldwide scratching their way through life with little more than a handful of rice per day, I thought it would be a trip to shine a spotlight on American pop culture as food. Or food as pop culture. Either way, I'm nominating myself the Official Popanalia Food Critic. Really, I'm doing you a service because I' going to be subjecting myself to ruinous levels of transfats and cholesterol.

For this first installment we have two fast food items facing off bacon y bacon. Bacon is without a doubt the most American of all foods. It's terrible for you, has no nutritional value, isn't filling on its own, comes from an animal that is raised on environmentally disastrous factory farms, and it's DELICIOUS. That's why we try to put it on everything: Pizza, burgers, omelettes, and now even tacos. Which brings us to our contenders. The pair will be judged head-to-head in five categories: Name, Chain Tie-In, Flavor, Digestability, Ambiance.

Taco Bell Club Chalupa vs. Wendy's Triple Baconator

Round One: Name, Winner: Wendy's
Club Chalupa sounds like a derogatory nickname for the country club groundskeeper. This taco also tastes nothing like a club sandwich so the name is misleading. It's an insult to the timeless elegance of the club sandwich. The Triple Baconator, on the other hand, knows its place. It is a novelty food intended to lure in a few nonregular customers, but ultimately unfit for a permanent place on the menu. It's also really fun to order. The addition of the suffix 'ator' implies that this sandwich will actually turn you into a piece of bacon... very cool.

Round Two: Chain Tie-In, Winner: Taco Bell
Aside from the Frosty, and square shaped meat, Wendy's doesn't have a real definitive brand. Who goes to Wendy's? Well, no one in particular other than people who like to order baked potatoes from a fast food restaurant. They're the bottom feeder of the big burger chains, sucking up whatever consumers don't get engulfed by McDonald's or Burger King. Honestly, the Baconator sounds like something The King would be peddling, not a girl with pigtails. Dave Thomas never would have pandered so. The Club Chalupa fits right in with the regular line-up of Taco Bell belly busters. They are the Rennaisance Masters of cheese sauce and tortillas, constantly repackaging the same flavors in refreshingly disgusting ways.

Round Three: Flavor, Winner: Wendy's
Like I just said, everything at Taco Bell tastes approximately identical. The only difference here is the addition of chopped up fake bacon AKA fakon. The artificial smokiness of the fakon combined with the deep fried chalupa made me think of eating a taco filled with ingredients picked from a dumpster ... and looked the same. The Baconator wasn't too bad. The three burger patties gave a nice meaty flavor, the lettuce and tomato were fresh and the bacon was good enough that I picked off the remaining strips even when I was too stuffed to finish the burger. One of the better fast food burgers I've ever eaten. Although I was a little disappointed... the name implied there would be too much bacon for a human to handle. I handled it pretty easily.

Round Four: Digestability, Winner: Wendy's
My stomach was churning about halfway through the Chalupa, which I couldn't finish. Not because my stomach was full... it just surrendered.

Round Five: Ambiance, Winner: Wendy's
This category is sort of open-ended. Like the Artistic scores for a figure skating competition, it's all about the judge's personal opinion of the whole experience. Sitting in Taco Bell I was reminded of summer vacation during high school. It looked basically like every other Bell in the country. The same wacky, jagged fonts with overly tight letter spacing. The same ExXxXxXtreme Mountain Dew promotions. The same tired, SoCal teal and hot pink color scheme. The same schlocky pop radio. They couldn't play it more safe.

Wendy's had a surprise in store. The place was ever so slightly run down, because it's older. The ever-present school bus yellow is obnoxious and unappetizing, true. But the music! They were piping in a pretty decent playlist of '80s New Wave. I'm not sure if this was a conscience choice, or they've just been too cheap to update their radio station in the last 20 years. Whatever, I was pleased.

Final Judgment: Wendy's
In this ultimate battle of the bacon Wendy's clearly came out on top. I feel like Taco Bell merely used their fakon as a hollow gimmick to lure in the nation's pork addicted masses. Wendy's skillfully crafted a meaty duet to produce a genuinely filling bacon-burger while pushing their cool cred even further with some risky music choices.

Depeche Mode + Bacon = Mmm.

Summer concerts

I would really like to go to a music festival this summer because I've never been to a music festival.

So there's Rothbury here in Michigan which has a decent lineup. I would love to see Modest Mouse, The Drive By Truckers and the Black Keys, but I don't want to put up with Dave Matthews and John Mayer, especially for $250, which is ridiculous.

Then there's Lollapallooza which would be sweet. I've seen Radiohead once before and they are my favorite band ever. Also there will be Explosions in the Sky and Battles which are both awesome post-rock bands, but it's also $200, and screw that. Radiohead is coming to Toronto and Cleveland, so maybe I'll go to one of those shows.

Then there's the Sasquatch festival in Washington state. It's an awesome lineup with REM, The Flamiong Lips, Beirut, Say Hi, The New Pornographers, Modest Mouse, The Cure, M.I.A., Built to Spill, The National, Battles, Destroyer, Dengue Fever, Stephen Malkmus, The Hives, The Kooks, Ozomatli, Rogue Wave, and more. But it's $200 and it's in Washington.

Then there's Bonnaroo with Pearl Jam, Ben Folds, The Raconteurs, B.B. King, Sigur Ros, etc.. But again it's $200 and far away in Tennessee, and I can't help but think that it will be infested with hippies (I hate hippies).

Oh, then there's Wheatland, which will definitely be full of hippies (I hate hippies).

So I'm thinking I'm going to try to go to Pitchfork, it's only like $65 and there's a lot of good bands:

Friday, July 18:

Pitchfork Music Festival and All Tomorrow's Parties present "Don't Look Back"

Public Enemy performing It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

* Sebadoh * performing Bubble and Scrape

Mission of Burma performing Vs.

Saturday, July 19:
Animal Collective
Jarvis Cocker
* The Hold Steady *
!!!
Vampire Weekend
Dizzee Rascal
Fleet Foxes
* Caribou *
Jay Reatard
* Titus Andronicus *
No Age
Atlas Sound
Extra Golden
Fuck Buttons
* Elf Power *
The Ruby Suns
* Icy Demons *
A Hawk and a Hacksaw
* Boban i Marko Markovic Orkestar *

Sunday, July 20:
Spoon
Dinosaur Jr.
Spiritualized
M. Ward
Ghostface and Raekwon
Les Savy Fav
The Apples in Stereo
Boris
Dirty Projectors
* Times New Viking *
Cut Copy
* Bon Iver *
Dodos
Occidental Brothers Dance Band International
King Khan & His Shrines
El Guincho
* HEALTH *
* High Places *
* Mahjongg *

So anybody going to any of these? Anybody want to go to Pitchfork with me?

Dengue Fever

So this is pretty sweet: Dengue Fever

I wasn't aware of this band until a couple of days ago when their new album came out. I found the descriptive sticker quite interesting and gave it a listen, and enjoyed it immensely.

The band has a sound that I especially like. They use a Farfisa organ and play their guitars with a lot reverb and tremolo that is reminiscent of 60's surf bands (which I love).

I've been noticing a trend in indie/alternative music towards reverby guitar sounds (Beach House, Band of Horses, etc...), but it's rare to for a contemporary band to go so surfy.

An ideal set up for this sound is a vintage tube amp with spring reverb and a fender single-coil guitar like the jaguar, mustang or jazzmaster. That's why I bought my guitar (a jaguar baritone custom, which makes it even cooler than a regular jaguar):



I also have a silvertone 1484 tube amp from the 60's that is renowned for its spring reverb. Unfortunately it needs some repairs, and I don't have a speaker cabinet to go with it. But when I get that fixed it's going to sound amazing. Especially when I split the signal and use my bass amp to accentuate the bass frequencies, while using the silvertone for mids and treble.

Then all I'll have to do is learn to play before the trend gets old, and I'll be famous.

My day

Today has been a real winner...

Usually Wednesdays are nice because I usually only have to work from 1-6, but today was special. I knew coming in that it would be a longer day because I was scheduled to shoot a video at 5, which takes about an hour, then edit and publish the video, and finish up the usual work, so I expected to get out around 9 and have time to go home and make dinner, and maybe have time to read a book or something. Then this happened - Truck Fire


And now I smell like burnt garbage.

And still had to go do this - Big Brother Auditions

Which brings me to my point: What the hell is wrong with these people?

I can empathize with the desire to be famous and everything, but reality tv? Do they really think this is how they're going to make it huge? Starring on Big Brother 10?

How many Big Brother 'stars' can you name from the first 9 seasons? They've all really taken off haven't they. And everyone else that's ever been on a reality show is really huge now too.

Why not try developing a skill? Maybe you can earn some respect and admiration for your talent, insight and worth as a decent human being.

Or you can become a famous idiot-douchebag that's famous for being an idiot-douchebag.

Movie idea

This isn't especially well developed in my mind just yet, but here's the gist:

It's a series of short episodes. Each episode is a modern retelling of familiar stories from the bible. Specifically the stories that put women in a bad light, i.e. Delilah, Eve, Mary Magdalene, the Queen of Sheeba, Salome, etc...

And here's the twist: Each story puts the female character's motives and actions in a more positive light, and all the settings are contemporary (places and problems).

I got the idea from Regina Spektor's song 'Samson' which I like a lot for some reason.

I haven't worked out any details of any of these stories just yet so suggestions might be helpful. However I do have a title: 'An Exultation of Doves' (that's what you call a group of doves by the way, like a gaggle of geese, and the imagery is self explanatory... pretty clever I know)

Feminists will probably go for it, and if it's cast with lots of really good looking women it could have some mass appeal.

Sundance film festival

Well, I had intended to post a blog or two about my trip to the Sundance Film Festival while I was there. Unfortunately my parents don't have internet access in their condo, so that was out. Then when I got back home my internet went out for a week, so no blogging could be done. But in the month and a half since then I've just been really lazy.

So since I'm at work, and I'm bored, here's a blog. (I saw a lot of movies, but will talk about those later maybe)

I've been to Park City a few times for skiing, and visiting my parents who have a second home there, but I had never been during the festival. Park City is a tiny town compared to modern mid-west metropolises. It is segregated into two parts that sort of twist around the mountains. The main downtown area is like every other ski-resort type town, basically a main street with trinket and souvenir shops (actually Park City has a much higher density of bars and night clubs on Main Street than any other ski town i've been to) and some auxillary side streets with crappy little houses.

With the festival in town, the streets and parking lots overflow with way too many people. It is exactly like that episode of South Park when Robert Redford moves the festival to South Park and incurs the wrath of Mr. Hankey.

I decided to volunteer for the festival in order to get some free stuff, including movie passes for every 4 hour shift that I worked. The whole experience was a blast and I can't wait to do it again next year.

The following is a brief list of some of my experiences.

On the first day I was there, I saw a movie in the morning and had some time to kill before my volunteer shift. So I took the bus down to main street so I could walk around and maybe see some celebrities. And as I was riding the bus I was thinking about what celebrities I might see and how I might react to them. I thought to myself "If I see Jared Leto I'm going to kick him in the nuts." Not ten minutes later, as I stood on the corner smoking a cigarette, who should come walking down the opposite sidewalk but Jared Leto. I decided not to run across the street and kick him because I didn't want to go to jail on my first day.

On another day after lingering around Main Street, I went to the bus stop to go to my shift and noticed an incredibly good looking young woman waiting for a bus. So I decided to get on that bus too. We made eye contact, she smiled, I struck up a little generic, touristy conversation. It turns out she has a sexy english accent, her parents are both Saudi Arabian (which explains the raven hair, big brown eyes, and sweet chocalate complexion), she's a professional ski instructor, and she's going to see a specific movie later. What a coincidence that I was going to that same movie! (Of course I hadn't actually had any intention to see that movie because it looked really stupid. I was actually planning to go see Patti Smith play in an intimate venue for festival volunteers only.) So, I go to the movie, I "accidentally" run into Sophie (she had a french name too) and her british friend, I sit down in the row in front of them so not to be too creepy, and start up another little conversation as we waited for the movie to start. It's going ok, I found out a little more about Sophie, like that she's mad at her overbearing boyfriend for being a jerk about her going to see so many movies without him, when all of a sudden who should sit down right behind her but Quentin Tarantino. Needless to say, I was quickly phased out of the conversation. Then the movie started. and long story short, I spent the rest o f the week alone.

On the last night of the festival I was waiting in line for a movie when someone bumped into me. It was Maria Bello, it was pretty sweet.

While walking down Main Street I "accidentally" bumped into Ian Zeiring(sp), or perhaps better known as Steve from Beverly Hills 90210.

Other celebrities I saw:
Woody Harrelson, Alan Alda, Sarah Jessica Parker, Virginia and Michael Madsen, Dennis Hopper, Ben Kingsley, Matthew Broderick, Ray Romano, one of the guys from Nip/Tuck, David Wain from The State, Leonor Varela, Sandra Oh, and others who I can't at the moment remember.

Good times.

Media Musings with Jake Davison

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0308/9245.html

I can't believe this article missed the most important, insightful, activism inspiring protest song of the intra-Vietnam/Iraq era. I am talking, of course, about "Panama" from Van Halen's "1984" (George Orwell tribute) album. Van Halen was proved right during operation Just Cause in 1989 when Miguel Noriega was overthrown. Like many Hollywood liberal elitists, David Lee Roth was opposed to Reagan's support of the Contra's in Nicaragua.

Roth's deep and sober study of if international affairs led him to believe that the nation of Panama would be the next target of American Imperialism. In order to garner cross over appeal, Roth used various metaphors that came across as merely crass double entendres. Roth's imagery of cars ("power steerin', pistons poppin', ain't no stoppin now!") clearly represents the American War machine while "model citizen, zero discipline" was often said to be the perfect description of Reagan's popularity with the unwashed masses despite the Gipper's reckless, Soviet-challenging foreign policy.

This followed the general theme of the 1984 album, which criticized Reagan's "Jump" into the "House of Pain" that was Sandinista controlled Nicaragua, all the while underfunding priorities such as education ("Hot For Teacher") and the growing influence of James Baker ("Top Jimmy"). *Editor's Note: This posting is exactly as plausible as the idea that the Iraq protest songs are failing to sell do to anything other than the fact that the market for American popular music is flooded with tunes people ACTUALLY WANT TO LISTEN TOO.

Fred Schneider would be annoying to hang out with

So I am listening to the new B-52s album at work. I am not going to comment one way or the other on how I feel about the album. It sounds like the B-52s, later era B-52s. While listening to it a co-worker asked what exactly Fred Schneider does. I mean it isn't singing really, more vocal musings. It is like he is a walking talking gay pride float. He is a pop-culture word crossbow. His stylings are definately one of the key components that give the band its kitsch appeal, but what about in the rest of his life?

Can you imagine how loud he must be at the bar when he gets a couple bumps and a few cosmopolitans in him. jesus.

my first episode of The Hills

The Hills is a long running show on MTV. It follows some wealthy twenty-somethings as they attempt to figure out love and life. The show is supposed to be doocumentaryish with the supposedly real dialogue and action. Clearly, there is a great deal of staging and writing that goes into it, but the veil of reality really does give the show a certain voyeuristic charm. I am not totally unfamiliar with this type of show, the Hills is actually a spin-off show of Laguna Beach, which I saw a few times.

While the show is supposed to show the real lives of the main characters, I can tell from exactly one episode that there is a very strict formula here that i would guess the show almost never deviates from. I will give a run down of the characters I saw in this episode, what they did in the episode, and also what their roles in the show are.

1) Lauren, the vapid main character on the show, will inevitably create the drama/conflict that must be overcome for the show to move forward. In this episode she had two story lines. The first being that shortly after arriving in Paris to work on a project for teen Vogue, she discovers that her newly acquired boyfriend back home is referring to some other girl as his girlfriend. Feeling jilted, she decides that she needs a rebound while in Paris to make herself feel better. Enter tv-pretty french guy who apparently is in some un-named band(though since this show is on mtv, and mtv is in the business of promoting and selling music, it was suspicious that they never revealed who the band was. My answer to this is that they weren't a real band at all, but merely actors/models hired to play role on show.) Lauren has her rebound. Second story line, Lauren, while pursuing her rebound, realizes that she hasn't packed the right attire for wooing french hipster rebound, and needs to alter the presumably priceless ball gown she has on loan for her teen vogue event. She promptly ruins the dress, and relies, as people like her do in real life, on everyone around her to fix her dilemma she created through her own selfish pursuit of rebound.

2) Whitney, the ever faithful sidekick to Lauren, is on the show to clean up Lauren's messes while simultaneously never pursuing her own gory. Whitney, despite being smarter and more responsible than Lauren, as well as being just as cute in a subtler way, doesn't have the necessary star quality to make people want to clean up her messes. Because of this cursed invisibility factor, she is the born sidekick. We care about her the most and root for her on the show, but god forbid she ever set out on her own, which will only lead to failed attempt at being a Lauren, and will inevitably end in failure and loneliness, and a crawlback to Lauren to resume her role as sidekick. This dynamic of the show is a good reflection of reality I think. The world has roles, friendships have a dynamic to them. Once the dynamic is established things can never change.

3) Spencer and Heidi are the classic troubled couple. Terrible for each other, but somehow they cannot break-up. In a scene that seemed to define the relationship Heidi is trying to break-up with Spencer while at dinner in a restaurant. Spencer, not to be outdone, threatens that if she continues with this type of talk she would find herself single. It was the most asinine thing i had ever heard in my life. What was amazing was that this strategy worked. Heidi, who had been adamant that she wanted him to move out and get away from her, suddenly was back in baby's arms. I wonder if he beats her.

13 Going on 30

so i am sitting around today having a lazy sunday when i turn on the television. Lo and behold I see Jennifer Garner on my tv doing the dance from Thriller. SCORE! 13 going on 30, without a doubt my favorite of these types of movies. It is a romantic comedy that also combines the sentimentality of a coming of age teen movie. Freaking awesome. Not to mention that the male lead is played by Mark Ruffalo. Who doesn't love that guy. he stole the heart of emo nerd guys everywhere with his excellent portrayal as the drifter brother with a heart of gold in the Laura Linney movie 'You can count on me' (an extremely underrated movie). He was also good in the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind'. his performance in the movie Zodiac left me a little flat, just not indie cool like the other movies. Anywho, bonus to the producers for scoring a guy with indie cred for a cheeseball romantic comedy. Also, the main musical theme is the Liz Phair song 'why can't i' from her 2003 record that was furiously rejected in hipster circles. I think really everyone pretty much didn't care about her after exile in guyville, except a couple real assholes out there who try to prove how cool they are by picking whitechocolatespaceegg. but seriously, those people can get bent. 'wy can't i' is just as good as anything she has ever written and despite the crazy over-produced studio feel of the song it still rocks. right up there with avril lavigne's complicated as great radio songs of that era. the era of teh major label alternative girl rock. i am not even being ironic here.i love that shit.

despite having mark ruffalo and liz phair involved, thus making this the defacto romantic comedy of hipster circles, it also has jennifer garner actually looking HOT! holy crap. in case someone is reading this who hasn't seen the movie, jennifer garner is playing a girl who is actually 13 years old but wished to be older so bam, welcome to the future. So basically, Jennifer Garner has to affect a sort of bubbly innocence to convey that there is a thirteen year old brain in that body. she fucking nails it. should have won an oscar. she kills. in doing so she actually comes off like a girl rather than the dude i suspect she is. This may sound a bit pedo, but it isn't really. being a girl is more attractive than being a tomboy.

okay. i am bored with this now. worst. blog. ever. i have a headache and was writing just to force myself to write. grrrrr.

The Tao of Steve

The Tao of Steve is a movie. The movie is not the topic of the post. In the movie a dating/seduction strategy is explained that I believe is the most effective strategy for getting a mate in the short term that I am aware of. I am interested in writing this post because i need to be rehoning my skills here. While this strategy will never get you married, it manipulates the hell out of people, which might not make you a good person, but, eh....on to the plan.

Step One:

Be desireless. We desire that which retreats from us. It is absolutely key to not want to get laid at all in order to get laid. This is most effective when it isn't really even an act. convince yourself you don't want it. Do not want it.

Step Two:

Be excellent in her presence. This can be anything that your quarry would be impressed by. It gets to that primal thing where the girl will choose the mate who seems to have the best quality. If you are good good at bar games, make her your pool/darts/shuffle board partner and then beat everybody. If you are funny be funny. If you are smarter than everybody else be smart(though I have found guys who act 'clever' have bad luck. keep it subtle). it doesn't really matter, just do at least one thing impressivly.

Step Three:

Be gone. Again, we pursue that which retreats from us. After being desireless, then doing one great thing to prove your sexual worthiness, you must again retreat. do not pursue anything the first night. Leave her with only the impression of the desireless and excellent sketch of a person you have constructed. It will pay off.

If you complete these steps accurately and successfully you can get laid. A lot. The obvious problem here is that it is so artificial. The person becomes attracted to a very vague idea of you. Then, later, you are in a situation that has a very, very shakey foundation.

There are factors beyond simply the game though. Whether or not we would like to believe it, there are some people who are just too attractive for you to date. whoever you are. If you are one of my friends this is even more the case. Even if you do end up landing a girl who is way too attractive for you this will ultimately make you crazy. Try to avoid that girl who you know is too good for you, I assure you, she is (fuck what movies and shit would lead you to believe. unless you have some crazy x factor like being really rich or in a rock band or something). The flipside to this, is that there are girls who are going to be very attracted to you. If this is case it is hard to behave in a way that will do anything to screw up how money you are, you don't need the plan.

Let me just say, my belief in the power of this plan has been rejuvenated lately because it was properly executed on ME! I was obsessing over this girl that wasn't even that good. I couldn't get her out of my head. It was crazy. The trickiest part is the second retreat. After you start to think you are doing really well and are having a good time and naturally this will end in something and then BAM! gone. you are like what happened? was it me? what did i do? how do i get a second chance? You find yourself not thinking about whether or not that person is even good for you but instead simply hoping for the chance to run into them again. You need to get them to show them how cool you are. ugh.

good luck out there. break some hearts.

ps - yes, i know in the movie honesty was the only real strategy to find love and have a reltionship. It was the shallowness of the plan and the lifestyle that surrounds the plan that led to the unhappiness of the movie's hero. what. ever. nobody is happy. settle for having sex.

Florida is a Sewer

Recently, I took a trip with some friends to Florida in order to get a glimpse of some of the Tigers prospects during some spring training games. The most interesting thing that happened was probably watching Miguel Cabrera absolutely boot an easy grounder toward third which resulted in a run for the Blue Jays. Side note here: I didn't even know there really were Blue Jays fans, much less more than five of them, but those cats were packing the Joker Marchant that day. Anyways, the games were sort of uneventful, and admittedly there just aren't the prospects that we used to get excited about. Last year you would have gotten Maybin, Miller, Hernandez, Jurrjens, etc. This year there was only Porcello, who we didn't see. I did get to see Mike 'The Hammer' Hessman, International League defensive player of the year, make some plays at third, as well as Brent 'Deerfoot' Clevlen make some spectacular grabs in the outfield. Frankly, the games were really about piglets. Finding them and then creeping them out with our hot, drunk staring.

Baseball is not really the topic of this post. I want to talk about Florida. Not the Disney side, no I mean the real florida. The 150 miles between Ft. Myers and Lakeland. A place not built for tourism, no, but instead the constructed mass that provides for the needs of Florida's year round residents. It is a relentless labyrinth of fast food, strip mall, junkyard, chain-restaurant puke. It is a giant festering boil of the most disgusting food gas and people I have seen anywhere in the country. The real problem is that there is no whiff of any cultural uniqueness to buoy this corpse. My friend said it perfectly as he created a mock dialogue between two Floridians: "Hey this looks just like the town I grew up in, except the gas stations are in a different order."

The real Florida is a national trailer-park. It galls me that they have so much ocean and good weather. I take that back, the ocean is merely a salty, shark-infested buffet for asians and the weather would be too hot and humid for me 9 months a year. Give me the cold and no sharks any day.

Reality TV will you please try harder?

As I languish in the wake of another season of Project Runway, I can't get rid of a nagging sense of joylessness about the show. It has nothing to do with the winner of the contest, the best man won, no question. No, it is something else all together. While mulling over my pall I remembered that I felt this way about Bravo's other great show, Top Chef, at the end of its previous season. Eventually I realized that my problem with the shows are the people they are choosing for contestants.

See, in the beginning of the shows the contestants were far less accomplished in the field that they were competing in. Jay McCarroll, the charming winner of the first season of project runway was just some hick from backwoods Pennsylvania who liked to sew. Many of the contestants on Top Chef that first season had some cooking experience but were mostly caterers, personal chefs, etc. Namely, not already top chefs at high end resteraunts. These contestants were all people who needed a break, they had talent but no access. To put it another way, they are us.



The 'ordinary' quality of the contestants is what made you root for them, or against them, with the same fervor that you use when hoping for the success, or failure, of people you actually know. These were not accomplished prosessionals, they were people who needed break bad enough that they were willing to put themselves in an aquarium so the world could observe and see their flaws and forgive them for them because of the undeniable potential of their talent.

Those were the days. Now both of the shows are stacked with people who already own their own clothing lines and who are already the top freaking chef at four star restaurants. These people are not motivated by the same struggle to get established, they are already established. The reason they are on the show is because they are the bullying, attention-grabbing, ass-bags that already choke so much of the world, making it impossible for the quietly brilliant to ever find a voice.

Now, Bravo is trotting out yet another competition show, make me a supermodel, which alienates me even more than the previously discussed. Is there anyone we can relate to less than these people? I already hate america's next top model, now we have another show for the pretty to try to out pretty other pretties? The base struggle of the wholly untalented, bravo Bravo? I think not.

I know that this trend is not going to reverse itself. I also know that there is a sound argument to be made that by having contestants who are already more skilled makes the competition stronger. I know I would rather watch the tigers than the Schuler softball team. I don't buy those arguments though. It was never about the level of competition, it was about the hope attatched to the idea that if the only gay guy in Lehman, Pennsylvania, can get a shot then maybe, someday, we'll get ours too.

Movie Review

So last night I went and saw Be Kind, Rewind, the newest installment from director Michel Gondry. While I have been a fan of Gondry's work for some time I was admittedly a little hesitant about this film. Mostly I was aorried about the cast. The pairing of Jack Black and Mos De just seemed too strange to ever work. Jack Black's hyper-frenetic, over the top style is at times brilliant, but often is annoying and forced. This seemed like an odd mix with Mos Def whose subtle hip-hop cool doesn't seen like a strong enough persoality to hold up against Black's overwhelming bravado.

My fears about the pairing were quickly washed away once I saw how the characters played by these actors had been written. Basically they play two grown up children whose innocence is integral to the suspension of disbelief in the film. The film is about two guys from a small neighborhood in Jersey who are left with the responsibility of watching over an independant video-tape rental store while the owner is on vacation to go spy on the methods of a major chain video store. Due to a mishap when Black's character inadvertantly erases all of the tapes, the two must scramble to do something to replace the tapes. Having no money, combined with limited access to more tapes due to the proliferation of the dvd, the two decide that the only solution is to swede all of the movies that had been erased. Swedeing is the art of making a new version of an already existing film using limited resources.

It is in the sweding that Gondry's brilliance is allowed to shine. The incomparably clever re-imaginings of the movies is hilarious. More than it is hilarious it is the thing that really makes this movie worthwhile. The creative strategies employed to imitate the special effects of the large films could honestly be done by any person with the motivation to use them. It makes us ask ourselves, why don't we do that? Why are we limited to a purely spectator role in art? Why can't we be the artists? All it takes is to do it.

This ends up being the resolution to the film. After the evil lawyer, played by Sigourney Weaver in a nice comic turn, sues them for major copyright infringment and destroys all the movies they had worked to make, they are momentarily lost. At this moment Black's childlike solution comes ot the surface. Imstead of making clever copies of movies he asks "Why don't we make our own movies? We can make any movie we want, instead of making a version of Rush Hour 2, why don't we make Rush Hour 6?" The answer to these questions is that there is no reason that they can't make their own movies. So they do make one.

I don't want to give too much away to anybody, but the idea, while simple is extremely positive, and hopefully resonates with the audience. It certainly resonated with me, I feel particularly creative and motivated. Sure, the movie has plenty of flaws, from unnecessary characters to some forgettable scenes, but ultimately its heart is always in the right place, exactly like the sweded movies the film itself showcases.

Happy Valentine's Day Record Review

anyone who would ever possibly read this blog, i.e. only jon and i since we are too lazy to ever post anything, would no doubt be familiar with the works of The Moldy Peaches. Kimya Dawson is/was 50% of that great band who is enjoying a bit of new popularity due to their showcasing in the hit movie Juno.

I am admittedly a sentimental sap when it comes to pop music. I like cute songs about cute things played in sunny major chord progressions on a bright sounding acoustic guitar. If you are like me then run don't walk and pick up this album. It is not as great as the moldy peaches stuff because the peaches stuff varied a little from song to song. For example, they used an electric guitar in some of their songs (see these burgers for a fine example). You will not find and electric guitar on this album.

'Remember That I Love You' is 12 times the same song. Breazy acoustic guitar and Kimya Dawson's sing-song-half-singing-half-speaking-delivery of very casual narrative type lyrics that are funny and touching are all that is to be found on this album. Occasionally the songs are highlighted with some bells and strings but only barely. This makes the album a little too 'even' but the quality of that evenness makes this album a good get. Also, virtually any of these songs could be used on any mix-tape/cd/usb for any girl, so it has some great utility there as well.

The only other problem I had with this album was that at times it gets a little serious. A far cry from the absolute silliness of the moldy peaches. At one point she sings 'fuck president bush and fuck this stupid war' and in the song 'I like giants' she sings about the body image problems faced by many women with lyrics like "I like giants, especially girl giants, 'cause all girls feel too big sometimes regardless of their size." Yawn. I am not disagreeing with her messages it is just an unsuccessful juxtaposition to the heart-breaking sweetness of the simple love songs like 'tire swing'.

Anyone would do well to pick-up this album and get lost in the clever sweetness of Dawson's songs. They are providing the perfect soundtrack to my bittersweet pining for love on a lonely Valentine's Day.

Sundance

No not the used car emporium, the film festival.

Luckily for me my parents have a place in Park City and as a perk of going out to visit I get to attend some screenings at the festival. I'll have the trusty laptop with me and will post reviews, gossip, observations and what specific kind of trash I threw at which specific celebrities I hate.

Stay tuned, the lull will soon be over and popanalia will be all that it is meant to be.