Baconator Vs. Club Chalupa ::: FIGHT!

What on this Earth is more heavily marketed than food? Nothing. And while the UN prattles on about a worldwide food crisis, with millions of people worldwide scratching their way through life with little more than a handful of rice per day, I thought it would be a trip to shine a spotlight on American pop culture as food. Or food as pop culture. Either way, I'm nominating myself the Official Popanalia Food Critic. Really, I'm doing you a service because I' going to be subjecting myself to ruinous levels of transfats and cholesterol.

For this first installment we have two fast food items facing off bacon y bacon. Bacon is without a doubt the most American of all foods. It's terrible for you, has no nutritional value, isn't filling on its own, comes from an animal that is raised on environmentally disastrous factory farms, and it's DELICIOUS. That's why we try to put it on everything: Pizza, burgers, omelettes, and now even tacos. Which brings us to our contenders. The pair will be judged head-to-head in five categories: Name, Chain Tie-In, Flavor, Digestability, Ambiance.

Taco Bell Club Chalupa vs. Wendy's Triple Baconator

Round One: Name, Winner: Wendy's
Club Chalupa sounds like a derogatory nickname for the country club groundskeeper. This taco also tastes nothing like a club sandwich so the name is misleading. It's an insult to the timeless elegance of the club sandwich. The Triple Baconator, on the other hand, knows its place. It is a novelty food intended to lure in a few nonregular customers, but ultimately unfit for a permanent place on the menu. It's also really fun to order. The addition of the suffix 'ator' implies that this sandwich will actually turn you into a piece of bacon... very cool.

Round Two: Chain Tie-In, Winner: Taco Bell
Aside from the Frosty, and square shaped meat, Wendy's doesn't have a real definitive brand. Who goes to Wendy's? Well, no one in particular other than people who like to order baked potatoes from a fast food restaurant. They're the bottom feeder of the big burger chains, sucking up whatever consumers don't get engulfed by McDonald's or Burger King. Honestly, the Baconator sounds like something The King would be peddling, not a girl with pigtails. Dave Thomas never would have pandered so. The Club Chalupa fits right in with the regular line-up of Taco Bell belly busters. They are the Rennaisance Masters of cheese sauce and tortillas, constantly repackaging the same flavors in refreshingly disgusting ways.

Round Three: Flavor, Winner: Wendy's
Like I just said, everything at Taco Bell tastes approximately identical. The only difference here is the addition of chopped up fake bacon AKA fakon. The artificial smokiness of the fakon combined with the deep fried chalupa made me think of eating a taco filled with ingredients picked from a dumpster ... and looked the same. The Baconator wasn't too bad. The three burger patties gave a nice meaty flavor, the lettuce and tomato were fresh and the bacon was good enough that I picked off the remaining strips even when I was too stuffed to finish the burger. One of the better fast food burgers I've ever eaten. Although I was a little disappointed... the name implied there would be too much bacon for a human to handle. I handled it pretty easily.

Round Four: Digestability, Winner: Wendy's
My stomach was churning about halfway through the Chalupa, which I couldn't finish. Not because my stomach was full... it just surrendered.

Round Five: Ambiance, Winner: Wendy's
This category is sort of open-ended. Like the Artistic scores for a figure skating competition, it's all about the judge's personal opinion of the whole experience. Sitting in Taco Bell I was reminded of summer vacation during high school. It looked basically like every other Bell in the country. The same wacky, jagged fonts with overly tight letter spacing. The same ExXxXxXtreme Mountain Dew promotions. The same tired, SoCal teal and hot pink color scheme. The same schlocky pop radio. They couldn't play it more safe.

Wendy's had a surprise in store. The place was ever so slightly run down, because it's older. The ever-present school bus yellow is obnoxious and unappetizing, true. But the music! They were piping in a pretty decent playlist of '80s New Wave. I'm not sure if this was a conscience choice, or they've just been too cheap to update their radio station in the last 20 years. Whatever, I was pleased.

Final Judgment: Wendy's
In this ultimate battle of the bacon Wendy's clearly came out on top. I feel like Taco Bell merely used their fakon as a hollow gimmick to lure in the nation's pork addicted masses. Wendy's skillfully crafted a meaty duet to produce a genuinely filling bacon-burger while pushing their cool cred even further with some risky music choices.

Depeche Mode + Bacon = Mmm.