Fred Schneider would be annoying to hang out with

So I am listening to the new B-52s album at work. I am not going to comment one way or the other on how I feel about the album. It sounds like the B-52s, later era B-52s. While listening to it a co-worker asked what exactly Fred Schneider does. I mean it isn't singing really, more vocal musings. It is like he is a walking talking gay pride float. He is a pop-culture word crossbow. His stylings are definately one of the key components that give the band its kitsch appeal, but what about in the rest of his life?

Can you imagine how loud he must be at the bar when he gets a couple bumps and a few cosmopolitans in him. jesus.

my first episode of The Hills

The Hills is a long running show on MTV. It follows some wealthy twenty-somethings as they attempt to figure out love and life. The show is supposed to be doocumentaryish with the supposedly real dialogue and action. Clearly, there is a great deal of staging and writing that goes into it, but the veil of reality really does give the show a certain voyeuristic charm. I am not totally unfamiliar with this type of show, the Hills is actually a spin-off show of Laguna Beach, which I saw a few times.

While the show is supposed to show the real lives of the main characters, I can tell from exactly one episode that there is a very strict formula here that i would guess the show almost never deviates from. I will give a run down of the characters I saw in this episode, what they did in the episode, and also what their roles in the show are.

1) Lauren, the vapid main character on the show, will inevitably create the drama/conflict that must be overcome for the show to move forward. In this episode she had two story lines. The first being that shortly after arriving in Paris to work on a project for teen Vogue, she discovers that her newly acquired boyfriend back home is referring to some other girl as his girlfriend. Feeling jilted, she decides that she needs a rebound while in Paris to make herself feel better. Enter tv-pretty french guy who apparently is in some un-named band(though since this show is on mtv, and mtv is in the business of promoting and selling music, it was suspicious that they never revealed who the band was. My answer to this is that they weren't a real band at all, but merely actors/models hired to play role on show.) Lauren has her rebound. Second story line, Lauren, while pursuing her rebound, realizes that she hasn't packed the right attire for wooing french hipster rebound, and needs to alter the presumably priceless ball gown she has on loan for her teen vogue event. She promptly ruins the dress, and relies, as people like her do in real life, on everyone around her to fix her dilemma she created through her own selfish pursuit of rebound.

2) Whitney, the ever faithful sidekick to Lauren, is on the show to clean up Lauren's messes while simultaneously never pursuing her own gory. Whitney, despite being smarter and more responsible than Lauren, as well as being just as cute in a subtler way, doesn't have the necessary star quality to make people want to clean up her messes. Because of this cursed invisibility factor, she is the born sidekick. We care about her the most and root for her on the show, but god forbid she ever set out on her own, which will only lead to failed attempt at being a Lauren, and will inevitably end in failure and loneliness, and a crawlback to Lauren to resume her role as sidekick. This dynamic of the show is a good reflection of reality I think. The world has roles, friendships have a dynamic to them. Once the dynamic is established things can never change.

3) Spencer and Heidi are the classic troubled couple. Terrible for each other, but somehow they cannot break-up. In a scene that seemed to define the relationship Heidi is trying to break-up with Spencer while at dinner in a restaurant. Spencer, not to be outdone, threatens that if she continues with this type of talk she would find herself single. It was the most asinine thing i had ever heard in my life. What was amazing was that this strategy worked. Heidi, who had been adamant that she wanted him to move out and get away from her, suddenly was back in baby's arms. I wonder if he beats her.

13 Going on 30

so i am sitting around today having a lazy sunday when i turn on the television. Lo and behold I see Jennifer Garner on my tv doing the dance from Thriller. SCORE! 13 going on 30, without a doubt my favorite of these types of movies. It is a romantic comedy that also combines the sentimentality of a coming of age teen movie. Freaking awesome. Not to mention that the male lead is played by Mark Ruffalo. Who doesn't love that guy. he stole the heart of emo nerd guys everywhere with his excellent portrayal as the drifter brother with a heart of gold in the Laura Linney movie 'You can count on me' (an extremely underrated movie). He was also good in the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind'. his performance in the movie Zodiac left me a little flat, just not indie cool like the other movies. Anywho, bonus to the producers for scoring a guy with indie cred for a cheeseball romantic comedy. Also, the main musical theme is the Liz Phair song 'why can't i' from her 2003 record that was furiously rejected in hipster circles. I think really everyone pretty much didn't care about her after exile in guyville, except a couple real assholes out there who try to prove how cool they are by picking whitechocolatespaceegg. but seriously, those people can get bent. 'wy can't i' is just as good as anything she has ever written and despite the crazy over-produced studio feel of the song it still rocks. right up there with avril lavigne's complicated as great radio songs of that era. the era of teh major label alternative girl rock. i am not even being ironic here.i love that shit.

despite having mark ruffalo and liz phair involved, thus making this the defacto romantic comedy of hipster circles, it also has jennifer garner actually looking HOT! holy crap. in case someone is reading this who hasn't seen the movie, jennifer garner is playing a girl who is actually 13 years old but wished to be older so bam, welcome to the future. So basically, Jennifer Garner has to affect a sort of bubbly innocence to convey that there is a thirteen year old brain in that body. she fucking nails it. should have won an oscar. she kills. in doing so she actually comes off like a girl rather than the dude i suspect she is. This may sound a bit pedo, but it isn't really. being a girl is more attractive than being a tomboy.

okay. i am bored with this now. worst. blog. ever. i have a headache and was writing just to force myself to write. grrrrr.

The Tao of Steve

The Tao of Steve is a movie. The movie is not the topic of the post. In the movie a dating/seduction strategy is explained that I believe is the most effective strategy for getting a mate in the short term that I am aware of. I am interested in writing this post because i need to be rehoning my skills here. While this strategy will never get you married, it manipulates the hell out of people, which might not make you a good person, but, eh....on to the plan.

Step One:

Be desireless. We desire that which retreats from us. It is absolutely key to not want to get laid at all in order to get laid. This is most effective when it isn't really even an act. convince yourself you don't want it. Do not want it.

Step Two:

Be excellent in her presence. This can be anything that your quarry would be impressed by. It gets to that primal thing where the girl will choose the mate who seems to have the best quality. If you are good good at bar games, make her your pool/darts/shuffle board partner and then beat everybody. If you are funny be funny. If you are smarter than everybody else be smart(though I have found guys who act 'clever' have bad luck. keep it subtle). it doesn't really matter, just do at least one thing impressivly.

Step Three:

Be gone. Again, we pursue that which retreats from us. After being desireless, then doing one great thing to prove your sexual worthiness, you must again retreat. do not pursue anything the first night. Leave her with only the impression of the desireless and excellent sketch of a person you have constructed. It will pay off.

If you complete these steps accurately and successfully you can get laid. A lot. The obvious problem here is that it is so artificial. The person becomes attracted to a very vague idea of you. Then, later, you are in a situation that has a very, very shakey foundation.

There are factors beyond simply the game though. Whether or not we would like to believe it, there are some people who are just too attractive for you to date. whoever you are. If you are one of my friends this is even more the case. Even if you do end up landing a girl who is way too attractive for you this will ultimately make you crazy. Try to avoid that girl who you know is too good for you, I assure you, she is (fuck what movies and shit would lead you to believe. unless you have some crazy x factor like being really rich or in a rock band or something). The flipside to this, is that there are girls who are going to be very attracted to you. If this is case it is hard to behave in a way that will do anything to screw up how money you are, you don't need the plan.

Let me just say, my belief in the power of this plan has been rejuvenated lately because it was properly executed on ME! I was obsessing over this girl that wasn't even that good. I couldn't get her out of my head. It was crazy. The trickiest part is the second retreat. After you start to think you are doing really well and are having a good time and naturally this will end in something and then BAM! gone. you are like what happened? was it me? what did i do? how do i get a second chance? You find yourself not thinking about whether or not that person is even good for you but instead simply hoping for the chance to run into them again. You need to get them to show them how cool you are. ugh.

good luck out there. break some hearts.

ps - yes, i know in the movie honesty was the only real strategy to find love and have a reltionship. It was the shallowness of the plan and the lifestyle that surrounds the plan that led to the unhappiness of the movie's hero. what. ever. nobody is happy. settle for having sex.

Florida is a Sewer

Recently, I took a trip with some friends to Florida in order to get a glimpse of some of the Tigers prospects during some spring training games. The most interesting thing that happened was probably watching Miguel Cabrera absolutely boot an easy grounder toward third which resulted in a run for the Blue Jays. Side note here: I didn't even know there really were Blue Jays fans, much less more than five of them, but those cats were packing the Joker Marchant that day. Anyways, the games were sort of uneventful, and admittedly there just aren't the prospects that we used to get excited about. Last year you would have gotten Maybin, Miller, Hernandez, Jurrjens, etc. This year there was only Porcello, who we didn't see. I did get to see Mike 'The Hammer' Hessman, International League defensive player of the year, make some plays at third, as well as Brent 'Deerfoot' Clevlen make some spectacular grabs in the outfield. Frankly, the games were really about piglets. Finding them and then creeping them out with our hot, drunk staring.

Baseball is not really the topic of this post. I want to talk about Florida. Not the Disney side, no I mean the real florida. The 150 miles between Ft. Myers and Lakeland. A place not built for tourism, no, but instead the constructed mass that provides for the needs of Florida's year round residents. It is a relentless labyrinth of fast food, strip mall, junkyard, chain-restaurant puke. It is a giant festering boil of the most disgusting food gas and people I have seen anywhere in the country. The real problem is that there is no whiff of any cultural uniqueness to buoy this corpse. My friend said it perfectly as he created a mock dialogue between two Floridians: "Hey this looks just like the town I grew up in, except the gas stations are in a different order."

The real Florida is a national trailer-park. It galls me that they have so much ocean and good weather. I take that back, the ocean is merely a salty, shark-infested buffet for asians and the weather would be too hot and humid for me 9 months a year. Give me the cold and no sharks any day.

Reality TV will you please try harder?

As I languish in the wake of another season of Project Runway, I can't get rid of a nagging sense of joylessness about the show. It has nothing to do with the winner of the contest, the best man won, no question. No, it is something else all together. While mulling over my pall I remembered that I felt this way about Bravo's other great show, Top Chef, at the end of its previous season. Eventually I realized that my problem with the shows are the people they are choosing for contestants.

See, in the beginning of the shows the contestants were far less accomplished in the field that they were competing in. Jay McCarroll, the charming winner of the first season of project runway was just some hick from backwoods Pennsylvania who liked to sew. Many of the contestants on Top Chef that first season had some cooking experience but were mostly caterers, personal chefs, etc. Namely, not already top chefs at high end resteraunts. These contestants were all people who needed a break, they had talent but no access. To put it another way, they are us.



The 'ordinary' quality of the contestants is what made you root for them, or against them, with the same fervor that you use when hoping for the success, or failure, of people you actually know. These were not accomplished prosessionals, they were people who needed break bad enough that they were willing to put themselves in an aquarium so the world could observe and see their flaws and forgive them for them because of the undeniable potential of their talent.

Those were the days. Now both of the shows are stacked with people who already own their own clothing lines and who are already the top freaking chef at four star restaurants. These people are not motivated by the same struggle to get established, they are already established. The reason they are on the show is because they are the bullying, attention-grabbing, ass-bags that already choke so much of the world, making it impossible for the quietly brilliant to ever find a voice.

Now, Bravo is trotting out yet another competition show, make me a supermodel, which alienates me even more than the previously discussed. Is there anyone we can relate to less than these people? I already hate america's next top model, now we have another show for the pretty to try to out pretty other pretties? The base struggle of the wholly untalented, bravo Bravo? I think not.

I know that this trend is not going to reverse itself. I also know that there is a sound argument to be made that by having contestants who are already more skilled makes the competition stronger. I know I would rather watch the tigers than the Schuler softball team. I don't buy those arguments though. It was never about the level of competition, it was about the hope attatched to the idea that if the only gay guy in Lehman, Pennsylvania, can get a shot then maybe, someday, we'll get ours too.

Movie Review

So last night I went and saw Be Kind, Rewind, the newest installment from director Michel Gondry. While I have been a fan of Gondry's work for some time I was admittedly a little hesitant about this film. Mostly I was aorried about the cast. The pairing of Jack Black and Mos De just seemed too strange to ever work. Jack Black's hyper-frenetic, over the top style is at times brilliant, but often is annoying and forced. This seemed like an odd mix with Mos Def whose subtle hip-hop cool doesn't seen like a strong enough persoality to hold up against Black's overwhelming bravado.

My fears about the pairing were quickly washed away once I saw how the characters played by these actors had been written. Basically they play two grown up children whose innocence is integral to the suspension of disbelief in the film. The film is about two guys from a small neighborhood in Jersey who are left with the responsibility of watching over an independant video-tape rental store while the owner is on vacation to go spy on the methods of a major chain video store. Due to a mishap when Black's character inadvertantly erases all of the tapes, the two must scramble to do something to replace the tapes. Having no money, combined with limited access to more tapes due to the proliferation of the dvd, the two decide that the only solution is to swede all of the movies that had been erased. Swedeing is the art of making a new version of an already existing film using limited resources.

It is in the sweding that Gondry's brilliance is allowed to shine. The incomparably clever re-imaginings of the movies is hilarious. More than it is hilarious it is the thing that really makes this movie worthwhile. The creative strategies employed to imitate the special effects of the large films could honestly be done by any person with the motivation to use them. It makes us ask ourselves, why don't we do that? Why are we limited to a purely spectator role in art? Why can't we be the artists? All it takes is to do it.

This ends up being the resolution to the film. After the evil lawyer, played by Sigourney Weaver in a nice comic turn, sues them for major copyright infringment and destroys all the movies they had worked to make, they are momentarily lost. At this moment Black's childlike solution comes ot the surface. Imstead of making clever copies of movies he asks "Why don't we make our own movies? We can make any movie we want, instead of making a version of Rush Hour 2, why don't we make Rush Hour 6?" The answer to these questions is that there is no reason that they can't make their own movies. So they do make one.

I don't want to give too much away to anybody, but the idea, while simple is extremely positive, and hopefully resonates with the audience. It certainly resonated with me, I feel particularly creative and motivated. Sure, the movie has plenty of flaws, from unnecessary characters to some forgettable scenes, but ultimately its heart is always in the right place, exactly like the sweded movies the film itself showcases.